Life has a way of confronting us with people and situations that challenge our hearts and minds. I was recently struck by a moment that felt like a punch in the gut—a mutual friend casually mentioned that my ex was seen with someone much younger at a resort. At first, I couldn’t decide what hurt more: the imagery, the choices he made, or my inability to do anything about it.

But that’s the thing, isn’t it?
Some things—and some people—are beyond our control.

It’s easy to fall into the trap of trying to fix, understand, or cling to someone who’s caught in destructive patterns: the alcoholic who keeps breaking promises, the gambler who bets on hope but never wins, the person who explodes in anger and later apologizes only to do it again. We want to help, to hold on, to hope they’ll change. But there’s a profound truth we need to embrace:

“We can’t save people from themselves.“

Why Letting Go Feels Impossible
Letting go isn’t just about the other person; it’s about the stories we tell ourselves:

“If I just try harder, maybe they’ll change.”
“If I leave, they’ll think I never cared.”
“I need closure, but they owe it to me.”
These thoughts bind us to people who may not even want to be saved. Letting go feels like abandoning hope, like giving up on love or loyalty. But, dear friend, holding on to someone you can’t control is like gripping a burning rope—the tighter you hold, the more it hurts.

Signs It’s Time to Let Go
Their behaviour is harming your mental health.
If you’re constantly anxious, upset, or walking on eggshells around them, it’s a sign that staying connected is costing you too much.
They refuse accountability.
People who genuinely want to change will acknowledge their flaws and work on them. If they constantly deflect or deny, you’re battling a losing game.
You’ve tried, and it’s still not enough.
Effort is a two-way street. If you’ve extended help, set boundaries, or communicated openly and they’re still stuck in destructive cycles, you’ve done your part.
You’ve lost yourself in the process.
When someone else’s problems overshadow your own happiness, dreams, or identity, it’s time to choose you.

How to Let Go
Letting go doesn’t mean you stop caring; it means you stop trying to control what isn’t yours to fix. Here’s how I’m learning to let go:

Acknowledge your emotions.
Feelings of anger, hurt, or sadness are valid. Give yourself permission to grieve, but don’t let those emotions dictate your actions.
Accept what you cannot change.
This is the cornerstone of freedom. Repeat it until it sticks: You cannot change someone else’s choices, only your reaction to them.
Shift the focus to yourself.
Ask, “What can I control in this situation?” Maybe it’s setting boundaries, seeking therapy, or redirecting your energy into personal growth.
Practice radical compassion—for them and yourself.
Recognize that everyone is on their own journey. Their choices aren’t a reflection of your worth. Forgive yourself for holding on too long; you were only trying to love.
Surround yourself with support.
Friends, family, or even strangers who’ve walked a similar path can remind you that you’re not alone. Sometimes, just hearing “I get it” is enough.

When to Let Go
There’s no universal timeline, but here’s a guiding principle: Let go when holding on starts to feel heavier than letting go. It’s not an act of betrayal; it’s an act of survival and self-respect.

Dear Friend, letting go isn’t a one-time decision; it’s a daily practice. You’ll have days where you’ll feel liberated, and others where the weight of the past sneaks back in. Be kind to yourself in this process.

Sometimes, we let go not because we stop loving someone, but because we start loving ourselves more.

Here’s to finding the courage to release what no longer serves you. You deserve peace, not a war you can’t win.

With love,
Butter