There I was, sipping my morning coffee, minding my own business, when my phone buzzed. Ding! A WhatsApp message. Then another. And another. Within seconds, my phone had become a battleground of forwarded wisdom, philosophical discourses, festival wishes, and—of course—self-congratulatory vacation pictures.

Welcome to WhatsApp University, where everyone is a scholar, a saint, a philosopher, and, in some cases, an amateur influencer with questionable photography skills.

The Syllabus at WhatsApp University

1. Motivational Quotes (That Nobody Follows)

“Wake up with determination, go to bed with satisfaction.”

Really? The person sending this slept at 2 AM after binge-watching a crime thriller and woke up at noon. But yes, thank you for the wisdom, O Enlightened One.

2. Festival Overload

Ah, the festive season. Ugadi, Ramzan, Diwali, Christmas, National Handloom Day, World Mosquito Awareness Week—you name it, I have received 27 GIFs, 15 “divinely blessed” images, and a two-minute video on its significance. If wishes could be converted into gold, I’d be a millionaire by now.

3. Luxury Bragging 101

• “Met so-and-so at this elite event.” (Cool, does this person know you exist?)

• “New car, guys!” (Congratulations, but do I have to see 12 angles of the steering wheel?)

• “Weekend getaway at a private island!” (Wow, thanks for reminding me of my credit card bill.)

4. Alcohol Enthusiasts Group

Every weekend, at least one person from my contacts will send a boomerang of clinking glasses, accompanied by a caption like “Work hard, party harder.” Bro, you work in HR, approving leave applications. What exactly are you recovering from?

5. The ‘Philosophers’ Who Themselves Need Philosophy

“Money can’t buy happiness.” — sent from their iPhone 15 Pro Max, while sipping imported coffee at a beachside villa.

“Stay humble.” — caption under their latest selfie with a celebrity they met for 30 seconds.

“Be kind to everyone.” — the same person who cut the line at the supermarket last week.

The Real Struggle: Finding What Matters

Amidst this flood of unsolicited wisdom and show-off content, there’s always one important message that gets buried—like that school friend’s wedding invitation, a family member’s emergency update, or the grocery list I sent myself. Now, if I don’t show up at the wedding, I’m the bad friend. But how was I supposed to find that one message between Good Morning GIFs and Life-Changing Lessons from a Monk Who Sold His WhatsApp Data?

Survival Guide for WhatsApp University Dropouts

1. Mute and Archive Ruthlessly

That one relative who sends 50 messages a day? Mute. The “business guru” friend who only forwards investment tips but still borrows money from you? Archive.

2. Fake Technical Issues

“Hey, didn’t you see my message?”

“Oh no! My WhatsApp has been acting weird lately. Messages are getting lost!”

(Meanwhile, you’re peacefully enjoying life without their daily self-help spam.)

3. Use Selective Engagement

If someone sends you a long message, just respond with “Wow!” or “So true!” They’ll feel validated, and you won’t have to actually read it.

4. Send Your Own Nonsense

When someone sends you an irrelevant message, hit them back with something even weirder:

• “Did you know snails have 14,000 teeth?”

• “Forward this to 10 people, or an angry pigeon will chase you tomorrow.”

Watch how fast they stop messaging you.

5. Create a WhatsApp Escape Plan

The best way to declutter is to disappear. Take breaks, deactivate, or—if you’re feeling extra rebellious—go back to good old-fashioned phone calls. Imagine the shock on people’s faces when they realize they have to actually talk to you.

Final Thoughts

At the end of the day, WhatsApp is like a buffet—there’s a lot of unnecessary stuff, but you don’t have to consume it all. Pick what matters, ignore the rest, and remember: true wisdom is knowing when to mute the noise and just enjoy your coffee in peace.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have 347 unread messages to not read.